Written October 2007

Falling in Love

Too many relationships are based on physical and sexual attraction. It took me many years to discover the shallow thinking of so many people.

I had lived a sheltered life growing up on the farm. I thought when you said, "I love you", it came from the heart and was spoken truthfully. I had no idea it was merely a way for another person to use you, for what ever was convenient for their needs.

I failed miserably when it came time to pick a life time mate. After two complete failures, I gave it up as a lost cause. I threw myself into my job and raising my two children. Even that proved to be a challenge, for the whole world was changing so fast. The children grew up, left and I was a lone. It felt as if a cocoon had enveloped my life.

Then one night I wakened from a realistic dream. There was no one to discuss it with, but there it was popping up when I least expected.

The phone rang; my brother was gone from lung cancer. The trip to his funeral was 800 miles. Everyone was on edge during the trip. After wards, I was asked to stay and help my brother's wife. I really didn't know her, but something kept tugging at my heart to stay. She didn't take to being a lone, and would drag people back to the house all hours of the day and night. Then she decided to play match maker. I flatly turned the gentleman down three times, but no one listened.

There I was, in my mid forties and this man was very attentive. Everything was falling into place so fast. As we drove up the long curving driveway past the little vine covered church, to the home place, my dream from six months earlier finally made sense. I knew I had found my soul mate and he also knew he had found his soul mate.

It hasn't been hard or painful to love completely for either of us. Nineteen years later we are still so very much in love.

I add this with a heavy heart.

Just over one month ago my beloved passed and has gone to where no harm will ever befall him.
He was diagnosed with a very rapid growing cancer two days after this article was composed. One month later he was gone.
I shall forever be grateful for the nineteen years of complete happiness and that he at least knew not to pay any attention to my saying I did not wish to date him.
Please take my true words and don't turn your back to soon, or you may never know true, complete happiness.

Last days before death

Death

The last days before death.

Janie was finally bringing her beloved husband home from the hospital. The doctor’s had questioned and explained in detail the stressful, strenuous and demanding nature of a husband dying. The doctor’s did not sugar coat this issue, therefore Janie knew it would be the end. Janie had promised many years ago that if it were within her power she would respect her husband’s wishes to die at home and not in a nursing home or hospital.

Janie had faithfully spent each day at the hospital through three weeks of tests, operation and removal of the horrid fast growing cancer in his brain. Never once did he forget who she was and how much they had lived and loved for one another. Theirs had been a love faithful and true for all nineteen years. Their anniversary had been only a week prior to his admission to the hospital and the discovery of this deadly tumor.

Every evening after leaving the hospital Janie would paint ceilings, wash walls, scrub carpets and floors in preparation for her husbands return home. Several times during the few quiet moments they would share between tests and relatives visiting, he would mention some thing that she had worked on the previous night instead of sleeping. Janie often felt his presence even though she was alone in their home. This was some thing Janie didn’t understand but for years they had talked about being able to will yourself some where and actually feel as if you were there.

When a person is so close to death some thing happens and they can see and talk to people as if they were alive or in the room. Janie’s husband often did this after he was home. The hospice head nurse and chaplain had explained these occurrences to Janie. He would often speak to his Mother and Father. For his Mother it was always a loving smile. For his Father it was to be forgiven for not taking proper care of the milk cow one hot summer day. Janie’s husband had told her of this incident, where at age sixteen he decided he was a man and didn’t have to do as his Father asked. He soon discovered that he wasn’t quite as grown up as he felt he was.

Janie had been told by the chaplain that if she knew what the circumstances which lead to these questions that it was fine to reassure her husband that he was forgiven. Often after each of these sessions He would go limp and almost lifeless.

One such incident caught Janie by surprise. It was three days before his death that Janie witnessed one such frightening occurrence. Janie had been told by the nurse that she would have to administer an enema at seven thirty the next morning. Janie admitted that she had never before given an enema to anyone. The nurse went over each step with Janie that evening before she left. The next morning by phone, as promised the nurse assured Janie that she could do this task.

Janie drew a deep breath and explained to her husband that she had to do this task. He smiled and gave her a kiss and helpfully posed himself in the proper position. Janie reassured her husband, as well as herself, and slowly with gentle pressure began the painful enema. Janie’s husband cried a mournful sob and in a voice she did not recognize he stated, “Stop this pain, I say stop it now. All you have ever done is to cause me pain.” Once again he called out his ex-wife’s name and stated, “You will never cause me pain again for I damn you to hell now.” Janie removed the empty enema bottle, pulled the protective sheet over her husband’s back side and on trembling legs she attempted to stand. Janie walked to the side of the bed for her husband lay still and to Janie, lifeless. Janie collapsed to her knees and gently placed her fingers on her husband’s wrist. Tears came from nowhere. Janie felt the loving touch of her husband’s hand against her cheek. He was smiling his little boy impish smile that Janie loved so very much and asked for a kiss. It was at that moment that Janie realized she had not been blamed for the pain administered moments before.

The nurse arrived moments later as did the chaplain. They both could see that Janie was visibly shaken. The nurse made an excuse for Janie and the chaplain to leave the room. It was hard to relive that moment but the chaplain reassured Janie all was well.

Two days later Janie was alone with her husband. Relatives, nurses and friends had been in and out most of the day. Janie stood by her husband’s bedside and talked gently as he lay there smiling. They had started the morphine about twelve hours earlier. In a slurred but loving voice Janie’s husband asked for a kiss good night. Upon receiving his kiss he said, “I love you Janie.” Janie’s palm of her hand lay against his and he smiled drew a deep breath and sighed. Janie’s fingers felt the life race from her beloved husband’s body.

New Look for home

I just completed a major project. I painted my home from one end to the other and top to bottom.. Took me a month and a bout with over doing it as well... I am happy with the results.. It went from 20 years of a dirty beige to all things bright and beautiful..The yellow is breakfast nook and kitchen and the green is living room and orange is dining room.. OK so I went drastic but I like it and I'm the one looking at it daily... Enjoy my labor of love!!!!

Spring Cleaning

I started my spring cleaning today, it seem like I just did fall cleaning. I started with my house plants and they are a little upset with me. It was 31 degrees when I sat them on the back porch (in the sun) and really flushed them with water. After that I put them back inside and found them new spots. I think I may have upset a couple little spiders doing all this. Oh well, better the spiders than me!!
The robins received a treat this morning. The bird bath was frozen so I put some hot water in it and they thought they had their own private sauna.. The water that was draining off the porch from the plants they enjoyed as well.. I stood inside the kitchen window and watched them play.. Also a hawk made off with a black bird. I may not really like all the black birds that hog the feeder, but I didn't like to see death in my back yard either..
Yah, I know, I'm just an old softy when it comes to the wild life. I think the fox that goes through my back yard may have had a romantic encounter. She is looking a bit chubby, if you know what I mean..
Time to get back to my writing, Janie is waiting anxiously to be released.

Spring is in the air

I know, right now, so many people feel like spring will never get here.
Good news.
The mocking birds are courting, so spring won't be far.
Since I love nature so much, I was touched by the
male so tenderly, and almost shyly, pecking at the
female. She, very coyly, backed up a few steps and
then waited for him to make his next move.
Ah love in the spring.
I know you are wondering why this makes me
so happy. Because after the neighbors cat killed the
female mocking bird, and then listening to the male
set there and cry, I was heart broken. I managed to
do my best "Pretty bird" impression while my husband
slipped over and removed the deceased female. I did
distract him and for almost a year now, whenever I
stepped into the backyard the male would chat at
me. So I would do my best to keep him talkative.
Believe me his tone changed completely whenever
my husband appeared. Now you know why two
people are happy and we also have a happy
pair of mocking birds!!