Janie on living.

"I want to live".

The daily calendar diary from her birth flashed as did the lightning. Janie was born amidst the violence of WWII with all the doctors and medicine being sent to the war. It was June of 1944 and Janie was two months old. It was haying season and all the available relatives had come to help. They also wanted to see the beautiful new baby girl. One of the relatives was contagious with whooping cough. This was the beginning of almost a year long fight for survival. Every day the calendar read, still no medicine, we almost lost little Janie again today.' Then on April 8, 1945 the entry read, Janie made it today she is one year old.'

The year Janie turned seven a tragic accident took the sight of her left eye. This was the beginning of a life long struggle for survival in many different forms. At age thirteen the operations were still not successful. Then at the tender age of seventeen she married and eleven months later gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. She felt that life was good and she was content and happy. Then at age nineteen Janie was informed by her doctors that the left eye would have to be removed immediately. Little did Janie know that she was also four weeks pregnant? The operation was successful and she then received the newest style plastic eye that moved just like the other eye. She also gave birth to a lovely baby girl. Life seemed to be good, but on her twenty-first birthday her husband decided to celebrate and left Janie home to tend the children. She was awakened near three in the morning barely able to breathe and feeling heavy blows to her face around her left eye. She could feel the life slipping from her body as her drunken husband choked and beat her attempting to kill her. Survival hit Janie as she found enough strength to fight free not knowing that her three year old son had already ran from the house for

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Help. The last words she heard before she collapsed were, "I can't stand your eye." He ran and was never seen or heard from again.

Janie not only picked herself up and carried on but she also had two small children that she had to see survive too. Janie threw herself into raising her children and for many years didn't feel the need for a husband. As she headed for what is known as the middle ages she again attempted a relationship which failed as well. She returned home from a family funeral and found her picture tacked to the garage wall with a bullet hole through the left eye. Janie's survival instinct kicked in fast as she and her newly widowed sister-in-law packed what few clothes and personal items they could and left and never looked back.

Janie wanted nothing more to do with men at this point in her life but fate change the path once again. She had refused to date this one persistent gentleman. Then due to a fake note Janie ended up on a date with him. That night both their lives changed and a love so true and complete caught them both off guard. They spent the next nineteen years in wedded bliss, happiness and love. Janie was content as was her husband. Then in two short months happiness was snatched from her by a quick growing cancer. Her husband was taken from her and she was once again faced with survival alone.

Janie lived quietly doing what she had done before so many years ago. Then two days after her sixty-fourth birthday a note arrived on her computer simply stating, "I'll be watching for you." Feelings swept through Janie identically to the ones the day she had won the lottery so many years ago. These feelings always meant only good things to come. Sure enough he was there and a friendship grew and as with many there were some hitches to over come. That we have done. Janie will continue to survive but she wants desperately to see these words in her next instant message.

"I want to live."

Reincarnation-What type of life after death?

Janie has always been a curious person. As a child, she would always ask questions of her Mother. Mom knew how and what to answer. Today Janie wishes for her Mother because she has questions many people would like to know the answer.

This question has been on Janie’s mind for many months. She laughs and jokes about this subject with friends and family. Deep down inside Janie finds she would like to know more about “Reincarnation”.

When you are raised in a Christian manner, you accept and believe what you are taught. Then out of nowhere some thing happens and you question your sanity, beliefs and all you have been taught.

Janie and her husband had both been very fond of wildlife and often would go for a drive through their area of residence to observe. Many times, just sitting on their patio, they could watch deer grazing, a possum searching for a scrap of food and both truly enjoyed watching the foxes. They never tried to tame these creatures for they were born wild and should remain wild.

Approximately a year and a half had passed since Janie’s husband had died. In her heart she felt he was in heaven. Late in April, Janie’s beliefs were shaken.

She had tossed some stale bread out for the birds or what ever creature passed through the back yard. Janie was standing by the open kitchen window when a fox appeared out of the slowly falling dusk. This fox immediately seemed different to Janie. It was in no hurry to grab the bounty and run as the others often did. This fox sat and slowly chewed each bite till all was gone.

The next evening Janie noticed the fox waiting patiently near the patio. Janie knew if she opened the door the fox would run for the cover of the woods. But this fox did not run. Watching Janie place the skin of the baked potato and pork chop bone on a paper plate the fox remained sitting quietly until Janie was back inside her home. Only then did the fox approach, sit and slowly enjoy the meal. Each day this fox appeared and Janie then observed that it was a female fox with nursing young. Then to Janie’s surprise the fox bowed its head. After the submissive gesture the fox looked Janie straight in the eyes. Janie’s heart skipped more than a few beats, for she had never seen a fox with eyes like this, for they were more of a human eye. Janie knew those eyes. She had gazed into them before.

Janie never knew what time or when this fox would appear. Janie observed from inside and would watch as this special fox would eat part of what was given, then bow toward the window, where Janie stood quietly watching, pick the rest of the food up in her mouth and leave. Janie was prepared the next evening with a set of binoculars. The same beautiful eyed fox followed the same ritual except for a different time pattern than the other foxes. Janie watched through the binoculars and discovered two small babies waiting.

Janie called her cousin long distance. They talked of family and friends. Finally Janie mentioned reincarnation and told her cousin of the strange female fox with twins. They both laughed for many times Janie’s husband had spoken to her cousin about the enjoyment of watching the foxes.

Janie and her cousin simultaneously said, “Well at least he knows what giving birth feels like, and it serves him right for coming back as a female fox.”

Last days before death

Death

The last days before death.

Janie was finally bringing her beloved husband home from the hospital. The doctor’s had questioned and explained in detail the stressful, strenuous and demanding nature of a husband dying. The doctor’s did not sugar coat this issue, therefore Janie knew it would be the end. Janie had promised many years ago that if it were within her power she would respect her husband’s wishes to die at home and not in a nursing home or hospital.

Janie had faithfully spent each day at the hospital through three weeks of tests, operation and removal of the horrid fast growing cancer in his brain. Never once did he forget who she was and how much they had lived and loved for one another. Theirs had been a love faithful and true for all nineteen years. Their anniversary had been only a week prior to his admission to the hospital and the discovery of this deadly tumor.

Every evening after leaving the hospital Janie would paint ceilings, wash walls, scrub carpets and floors in preparation for her husbands return home. Several times during the few quiet moments they would share between tests and relatives visiting, he would mention some thing that she had worked on the previous night instead of sleeping. Janie often felt his presence even though she was alone in their home. This was some thing Janie didn’t understand but for years they had talked about being able to will yourself some where and actually feel as if you were there.

When a person is so close to death some thing happens and they can see and talk to people as if they were alive or in the room. Janie’s husband often did this after he was home. The hospice head nurse and chaplain had explained these occurrences to Janie. He would often speak to his Mother and Father. For his Mother it was always a loving smile. For his Father it was to be forgiven for not taking proper care of the milk cow one hot summer day. Janie’s husband had told her of this incident, where at age sixteen he decided he was a man and didn’t have to do as his Father asked. He soon discovered that he wasn’t quite as grown up as he felt he was.

Janie had been told by the chaplain that if she knew what the circumstances which lead to these questions that it was fine to reassure her husband that he was forgiven. Often after each of these sessions He would go limp and almost lifeless.

One such incident caught Janie by surprise. It was three days before his death that Janie witnessed one such frightening occurrence. Janie had been told by the nurse that she would have to administer an enema at seven thirty the next morning. Janie admitted that she had never before given an enema to anyone. The nurse went over each step with Janie that evening before she left. The next morning by phone, as promised the nurse assured Janie that she could do this task.

Janie drew a deep breath and explained to her husband that she had to do this task. He smiled and gave her a kiss and helpfully posed himself in the proper position. Janie reassured her husband, as well as herself, and slowly with gentle pressure began the painful enema. Janie’s husband cried a mournful sob and in a voice she did not recognize he stated, “Stop this pain, I say stop it now. All you have ever done is to cause me pain.” Once again he called out his ex-wife’s name and stated, “You will never cause me pain again for I damn you to hell now.” Janie removed the empty enema bottle, pulled the protective sheet over her husband’s back side and on trembling legs she attempted to stand. Janie walked to the side of the bed for her husband lay still and to Janie, lifeless. Janie collapsed to her knees and gently placed her fingers on her husband’s wrist. Tears came from nowhere. Janie felt the loving touch of her husband’s hand against her cheek. He was smiling his little boy impish smile that Janie loved so very much and asked for a kiss. It was at that moment that Janie realized she had not been blamed for the pain administered moments before.

The nurse arrived moments later as did the chaplain. They both could see that Janie was visibly shaken. The nurse made an excuse for Janie and the chaplain to leave the room. It was hard to relive that moment but the chaplain reassured Janie all was well.

Two days later Janie was alone with her husband. Relatives, nurses and friends had been in and out most of the day. Janie stood by her husband’s bedside and talked gently as he lay there smiling. They had started the morphine about twelve hours earlier. In a slurred but loving voice Janie’s husband asked for a kiss good night. Upon receiving his kiss he said, “I love you Janie.” Janie’s palm of her hand lay against his and he smiled drew a deep breath and sighed. Janie’s fingers felt the life race from her beloved husband’s body.